It’s my cat’s birthday, or close to it, gauging from her approximate age when I brought her home. It is also Mother’s Day weekend, and I can’t think of a better metaphor for motherhood than the time I had too much wine and adopted a kitten.

Drunk Me is very susceptible to kittens. She is, in fact, responsible for 100% of the cats in this house. That bitch is also responsible for 50% of the children, although the circumstances were slightly different.

Either way, give me enough wine, and someone is getting a little p….


I tried to recreate the picture I use for my profile but she no longer wants anything to do with my feet and also she bites much harder when I try to step on her now.

That hasn’t turned out to be a good metaphor at all.

I wrote a sentimental post for Mother’s Day a couple of years ago. Back when the worst fight I had to break up was over a dirty popsicle stick on the floor of my car (“But it’s MINE!” You are FIGHTING! Over GARBAGE!) and it wasn’t that hard to segue that into a competition game over who could clean (my car) faster.

Now I’m lucky if I can get them to flush.

Which brings us to the title of this post, which I just changed since I figured out the cat thing wasn’t working.

This is what I want for Mother’s Day: just once, I want to understand where all the plungers are hidden.

I know we have them. I bought four commercial grade plungers, and strode through Lowe’s to the cash register swinging two in each hand to the song in my head. And I put one in each bathroom.

And now this happens all the time:

Me, upon entering my bathroom: Ew. *flush*

*shrieks as water and various detritus begin to rise*

Son: Mom?


Son: I dunno.


Son: Daaaaaad! Where’s the plunger? Mom plugged the toilet and she is freaking out again!

Dad, from the basement: What?

Me: *crying*

Also a terrible metaphor.

I am scrolling through all of my social media and there is so much Mother’s Day wisdom out there. If only I had time to read it all, I would probably be a much better mother. I don’t feel qualified, nor am I inclined, to try to impart wisdom as I feel like I make it up as I go along.

Superpowers, intuition, useful life experience….I don’t have any of those. I can’t do five things at once, I don’t like to cook, I’d rather play than clean – when people say that “some people should have to take a test to get a license to be a parent,” I’m pretty sure it’s me they are talking about.

I am sure, most of the time, that I am doing everything wrong.

Which brings us to the title of this post, that I just changed because that plunger thing wasn’t working.

I just found this, from my daughter:

The Mother’s Day Song

I love you and you love me
Mom you are the best
The best of the rest
You are the best Mom I got
The world around us would never be the same
Without you.
If you weren’t gone
It would be the same
I love you and you love me.

She knows I love her. They both do. Of that, I am absolutely certain. They may not know when their next meal will be, but they know that.

I’m the best mom they’ve got. And it doesn’t get any better than that.

23 thoughts on “Never Mind. I Got This.

  1. Am I the only one who is now obsessed with wanting to know what this post’s title was originally going to be before you changed it? Something about cats? Something about plungers? I would share some of my motherly poop/plunger stories here, but you would just be traumatized.

    1. LOL! It was…really not exciting. The second one was All I Want for Mother’s Day is a Plunger, and the first one was something about Drunk Me and Litterboxes being a metaphor for marriage, and I went way more in depth about the evolution of our current litterbox situation than I needed to. Things happen for a reason. Blame Ned.

      Challenge accepted. I am already traumatized. 🙂

  2. Maybe in the next life, we’ll learn why nobody ever knew how to flush.

  3. You know what? I actually GET the plunger thing! The seven year old in my house holds it in for days until….well, nevermind…but I have to use the plunger at least twice a week in his bathroom and now I just keep it right next to the toilet…after I’ve scurged it with bleach, of course.
    I am betting you are a pretty terrific mom. Knowing what I do about you I’d say one of the best.

    1. Somewhere, in my house, there is a room full of plungers. And spatulas, and scissors. I just want to know where it is.
      Coming from you, that endorsement means a lot. ❤ Thanks!

  4. Didn’t just like this… I LOVED it! I’m sure you are a great mom!! Sounds like typical “son” stuff to me! LOL! Happy Mothers’s Day darlin! 🙂

  5. I absolutely loved this, Renee. If I had an extra plunger, I would send it to you immediately as a show of appreciation 😉

  6. You’re the best mom they’ve got, and you CARE about being the best mom they’ve got. Everything else is doing what works at the time. You’re getting it just right.

    1. Thank you, Lizzi. I will fail a hundred thousand times, but it won’t be because I don’t love them. It will be because I am profoundly incompetent. Ha! JK. 😀

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