Who put this font here? I did not.

I have an office. I know! It is finished! Mostly! The closet it still a closet, as my plans to turn it into a tiny B&B with oversized bean bag chair, snack fridge, lap pool and exercise room have been thwarted by physics. Turns out it’s only as big as a closet. But I still have to pull out the dingy carpet, take out

the shelves

paint it

install flooring

what the hell is wrong with this chair?

I’m sinking

the hydraulic keeps slipping

is this chair calling me fat?


Anyway, I’m probably not going to have room for the wine cellar and the barn door.

I have a standing desk in one corner with a fatigue mat and a nifty little leaning stool for breaks from standing. I have a standard corner desk in the…well, the other corner. I have this floor lamp

on the desk after I took out a section of the post to make it shorter and reattached the plug for which I apparently want a trophy for doing because why did I need to tell you that? And I have an underdesk elliptical under…um the desk and my rude chair and the elliptical are on non-slip mats to keep me from propelling myself into the closet and knocking over the imaginary wine rack. I initially designed a complicated bungee cord resistance system so that the chair and elliptical were joined and each used the other to stay in place but I had not considered how the centrifugal force* from the pedals would alter the friction coefficient* of the castors and that, together with the adjacent vertex* of the bungees made it very much like I was crossing the frozen tundra in the Iditarod and made it hard to write because of the sideways motion but easy to shout MUSH at my elliptical and cause my husband to come in and give me that look of adoration as he often does when I do things like that. Pretty sure that’s the look he’s giving me. Yep.

*this was a lot of bullshit I made up to describe “lost control of my office chair in a way that was not intended by the manufacturer.”

I took pictures of the office, but much like vacation pictures viewed months later, they really don’t convey the moment with the right amount of awe. My floor lamp neรฉ desk lamp has multicolored shades and my other desk lamp changes color just as a strange added feature and since it does a shitty job of illuminating my keyboard I just use it as a conversation piece now.  Mostly with myself because of COVID and not leaving the house.  “How do you like my color-changing lamp?” “Oh it’s fine.” “Thank you! This has been a lovely conversation.” Like that.

I wonder if they knew it sucked as a desk lamp so they gave it the glowy color thing to make it feel useful because I would love to be able to do that.

I also have a Jelly Belly dispenser full of peanut M&M’s. And a stuffed bat I got at the wildlife preserve and a sign that says “I’m kind of a big deal” next to a sign that says “Don’t be so humble; you are not that great. ~ Golda Meir” And a blank faux marble dry-erase board on which I wrote “Not Used for Intended Purpose.”

I call the whole thing a “study in contradictions.” And sometimes I laugh maniacally after I say it.


Turns out there are a surprising number of people in my life who find all of this to be really dumb and a waste of energy.

Next up: People in your life that clearly don’t get you: keep them or pee in their coffee?



6 thoughts on “Hello From My Office

  1. yup that an ugly lamp. If you work on the ceiling should be useful but ugly colors may be irritating. Good technical jargon fake but need to add bullshit numbers. For future BS ; centrifugal force is now centripetal force or lack thereof. Apparently everyone has been deluded to believe the former exists for years. Use of radians is somehow better than degrees too. Always use metric. American standard or british Empirial so not taken seriously.
    Nice that your still writing. Was getting worried you may have gone brain dead with lack of assholes to bitch about.

    1. Hey! I love that lamp! Actually it lights up the corner nicely. To each their own. ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks for the updated jargon, I just read an entire article on the difference and now I need coffee. I may be brain dead. It would explain so much.

  2. Are you going to share photos? Would love to see photos of the office. I love my office. It’s not done yet. I am still on the hunt for the perfect unique chair, but other than that it’s mostly done. It makes me smile. ๐Ÿ™‚ I hope you office makes you smile. Hang in there we will get through this.

  3. AhHa! The never ending quest to create the perfect work space – I tend to rearrange mine about once a year. It sounds lovely even without the upscale amenities.

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