Hello From My Office

Who put this font here? I did not.I have an office. I know! It is finished! Mostly! The closet it still a closet, as my plans to turn it into a tiny B&B with oversized bean bag chair, snack fridge, lap pool and exercise room have been thwarted by physics. Turns out it's only as …

The One That Ties it All Together

I have the same choice today that I have on most weekdays: I can make $160 today writing garbage, or I can pour a bunch of energy into something I will probably delete. Some days, the choice is between $110 and finishing a good idea that might get published for $50. Every day, after I …

The Road to Hell

It was a pretty good Thanksgiving, as these holidays go. There was some logistical drama and I wound up cooking an entire meal and schlepping it over to someone else's house, which I will not do again. But everything I made was good - I have a sister-in-law who told me the beef I made …

This is a Stupid Title

First this, from my yahoo home page: Fire? Porcupines? Poo? Indeterminate substance on floor? Sharks? Superglue? Chainsaw? Wrong end of drill? Lightsocket? Anything your toddler is handing you that has not cleared a visual and olfactory check? Why do we need doctors to tell us any of this? How many doctors? How are they uniquely …

This is All Your Fault

Here it is, November 23rd and I haven’t written a damn thing since the the first three days and I am SO DISAPPOINTED! I expected so much better from you! And now I have to write every stupid day to meet the 10 post goal because the world will implode and all 2 of my …

It Took Two Hours to Write This?

How to Eat a Chicken Pot Pie. Still going strong, since 2014. Well, by "strong" I mean it still gets read by people in the Ukraine, once in a while. Do they have chicken pot pies there? They must. I want to write funny/sad/angry without agonizing. I want to give cryptic titles to my essays …

This is Not a Fake Post

It is also not a good post. It is, in fact a terrible post, and I clearly learned nothing from last years Nano. Maybe I should have done the novel writing. I still can! I can do whatever I want, it turns out. What I want to do most these days is get mad at …

This Time Will Be Different

Welcome to Nanopoblahblah 2019! Where I pretend like I'm going to write something worth reading 30 days in a row! Except that this time I'm pretending to write something worth reading 10 days not in a row. Or 10 days in a row and then I'm out. Or, y'know. just 10 times at random throughout …

Little Pig, Little Pig

Turns out the rechargeable ancillary cat and I have more in common than irrepressible cuteness, a love of naps and a need to frantically dig through the garbage once a day. As of late, he has taken to stealth Ninja attacks on the old lady cats, and while he seems to have a vague idea …

Are We There Yet?

Well shit! I almost forgot! Here it is almost the end of the month and I’m on the road to Georgetown, CO with my mom and sis and three dogs for our annual birthday trip. So it’s been a busy month. Kid got in some trouble. Had to learn to navigate some systems and some …

My Own Worst Frenemy

I just went back and read a few of my essays and while some are still funny *pats self on back*, I really do like this misanthropic groove. I’m starting to think it has become an excuse. The writing workshop did not solve all of my writing problems. But I did create a complete, mediocre …

I’m Already Sorry I Wrote This

Why did I just renew That Shameless Hussy? WHY? WHY? The whole point of changing my blog name was because I didn't feel it accurately represented what I was trying to do, or who I was at 50 as opposed to when I started blah blah blah blah blah...yet I miss her. Ah well. So …

I Feel Fine

  I just changed the date of my last post to May 1. Now I'm still on track for my "publish every month" goal. So there. It's not that I don't have anything to say. I have plenty to say. On the way to the gym, when I'm folding laundry, when I'm lying awake at …

I Am a Best-Selling Author

I am too! The first anthology in which I have the privilege of being included dropped on the 26th, and already it is first on Amazon in books about potty training. I'm secretly hoping it hits #1 for "Books About Unconventional Uses for Air Freshener" but it could be a minute on that. I KNOW …

My trip to Italy: An Interview

So I'm back from Italy. As I obligated myself to post once a month, this is my offering for April. Don't get too excited, it is fairly uninspired and I have rescued it from the trash twice, only because I don't want to start again. I am going to be in two upcoming anthologies, which …

Eat, Swear, Loathe – Part 1: Preparing for my trip to Italy

  WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING IN THIS PICTURE? IS SHE TRYING TO CATCH THAT MAN WITH HER BREASTS? I am leaving for Italy in 19 days. I am being perfectly reasonable and not at all crazy about this.   I always have a little pre-vacay anxiety. Fear that I will get sick with something that …

Hello From the Basement

Update: I do not have an office. Or a murphy door or a mini fridge or a white board. As is always, always, always the case with us, the ETA on the project was grossly underestimated, and the attention span of the person who has the carpentry skills was equally overestimated. We laid the floor …

Probably Not the Only New Years Post You Will Read Today

OMG FUCK OFF 2018. Although I will admit that toward the end, because of midterms, you managed to somewhat elevate yourself and release us from the grip of the Human Centipede: Let's Make a Circle variety show that was 2018, there is still much work to do, and I am so ready to move on …

It’s Okay

Gonna keep doing this. I really hate it. I hate publishing rough drafts. But until I learn to give myself a break and stop annihilating everything I write before I even finish it, this is how it is. Or until I give up. ****** It's ok. No really, It's fine. Don't worry about it. No, …

This is Not a Snowflake Martini Recipe

Time for the weekly stretch. Like yoga for my brain.  It's that time of year again. The time where I see a recipe for a cool Christmas cocktail idea in a magazine and think "I must make that for all of my friends!" forgetting that I don't have any friends and anyway I don't like …

Grace

  I was just really excited that I woke up with the urge to go write something this morning. So, um. Here is it. Still publishing poo but my draft folder is empty. I'm going to keep going until...IDK how long. There is a LOT that I have left unexplored but the longer I worked …

Human

(Actual unoriginal magnet from my fridge.) I internalize negativity like my skin does sunlight - it doesn't take long to burn me and send me inside to sit in the dark hating everyone and everything. The internet is best experienced with a clear understanding that it is whole LOT of voices, millions, many of which …

Holy—

The morning did not start well. I posted this already but I'm not going through that whole picture-resize shenanigans again. "I will relay this with as little bitterness as I can. Hubs fell asleep in front of the TV and rolled over on the remote volume at 4am so I had to come down and …

Truth

I have no idea what this woman is doing. Doesn't she know it's winter? She should put on a robe. I can’t keep all my passwords and emails and which platform they go with straight on my phone so I can never clap for a story on Medium without a six step process that involves …

Clearly

I should have broken the last post in two. Because it's 3pm and this is my freewrite which means I'm going to rush through it because I should be writing for tomorrow. I am angry today. I read how Christine Blasey Ford gave the proceeds of her GoFundMe to help other assault survivors, after she …

Cleaning

I'm not sure where I thought I would be with writing, at this point. So I suppose you could argue that there is no way I could know that I'm not there. Yay! I wonder how many people broke their fingers punching the "unsubscribe" button over and over because IS SHE TRYING TO BORE US …

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Tough one today. I revisited the two or three pieces left in my draft folder and decided none of them had merit. This is not the first time I've done this. The story about my friend - maybe I don't finish that one. I read it, I stripped it down to the parts I thought …

Wood

This is what I was doing, instead of writing:   Can you even read that? I had to make it huge. If I would have made it public I think I could have embedded it but then firewood dude might have been concerned for his safety. And I still need firewood. And he still hasn't …

Musing

"Comedy has changed so much since then; it has become unrecognizable since I first began interviewing her in 2016. It has gone from being a variety of ways to tickle a person — real life, funny because it’s true, ironic funny, deadpan funny, parody funny, no-duh funny, slapstick, farce, absurdity, pratfalls, a real variety — …

Pumpkineater

I am cheating. It's Thanksgiving so it is TOTALLY appropriate.               I don't care what you think. You are not the boss of me. And this one is better than anything I was coming up with today. And it's old and it's about trying to be less of a …

Wink

The small rechargeable cat scratched the emergency backup cat in the eye because he is an asshole. So I made an appointment at the vet and fell asleep. And I woke to having missed the appointment. And they said "that's fine! just bring her now!" But she was hiding, she and her winky eye, under …

Prattle

  I have mentioned that I talk fast. Really fast. I've been in speech therapy to figure out how to manage it, and I often forget to use the behaviors I have learned. I know that I am really hard to understand at times. It gets worse when I'm nervous or angry, so the self-perpetuation …

Penny

Where we left off: Descending into pathos now. Not where I was going. Where was I going? I'm not sure it matters. And then...the political climate. Politically, I can get along fine with everyone if I just abandon my principles. And that is all I'm going to say about that. Oh, and - we are …

Angst

That post image is way more dramatic than I feel. Where we left off: ...I had just proved I wasn’t even a good enough writer to find a home for a piece that I had no fucking business writing. And I was done. This is SUPER boring. I know. But it's helping. So, I turned …

So

Well, I have managed to stretch out one free write into a three part-er and that is cool because I didn't want to write this weekend anyway: I still don't know what is going to happen when my original domain expires in June. But onward. I suppose if the last two years have taught me …

Obviously

I have no idea what the hell I am doing. I was just suddenly SO DONE with That Shameless Hussy. It was cute while it lasted. It was a feisty persona. Awesome cover art. Made some very funny business cards on that persona. "Disappointing Masturbators Since 2013." "Participation Trophy Wife." I was ready for something …

Well

Now I've spent all day messing around on my new blog. Pretty sure I did something wrong. Pretty sure my site is going to self-destruct in about an hour. So I thought I'd give you a historical tour of my artwork. Because do you know how angry I am going to be if I lose …

Plan

I have deleted 2500 words of ragey garbage. I can publish boring garbage, but angry garbage can hurt people. I am scheduling this post for 5pm tomorrow. If I haven't come up with anything better - this is what you get. I know! I'm sorry. I am, meanwhile, overwhelmed with joy for those of you …

Ponder

A wise friend said "There are bloggers who write, and there are writers who blog." I think that's true - which is not to assume that you can't be good at both. Some folks seem to prefer the day to day updates taken at face value, others turn those experiences into something else. No shame …

Spider

The two woman walked single file down the path, into the trees. The taller of the two talked over her shoulder at the one behind. They were close enough to hear each other but far enough apart that conversation carried down the trail behind them. Had there been someone following at a safe distance, they …

Ketchup

Good habits that I have started because of this: I am recording via voice text good ideas that I have when I don't have access to a computer. Then I come back to them later and have no fucking idea what I was trying to say because voice text is a vindictive squirrel. But a …

Unprofound

12:58am I’m writing this from my phone in bed because I forgot. (and then she fell asleep.) (and she woke up thinking she had written, but she had not) 11:31am I’ll write something after breakfast. (but she did not eat breakfast. She drank coffee and them she changed out of her nice soft pajamas into …

Zhuzh

So something really exciting happened. As you may know, I used the word poop 1,000,000,0022 times yesterday. On the blog post. Not out loud. Quit asking silly questions. That is not the exciting part. Lo and behold, in the reader at the bottom of my published post appeared two links to other wordpress articles whose …

Dragon

  If I play my cards right, it’s possible for me, just by being myself, to be called a snowflake libtard, a white feminist, an apologist, a racist, a whatever-disgusting-slur the alt-right/Nazis cook up for anyone who doesn’t agree with their drooling rhetoric, a baby killer, a gun humper, a feminist whore, an old lady, …

Meh

I wrote this in a satire class and have since decided it is amusing, but not worth any further revisions. Regarding This Year's Post Mid-Term Family Holiday Celebration November 6, 2018 Hello from Bob, Vickie, Jen and Alex! We know we are sending out our holiday letter a little early, but Thanksgiving is just around …

Curmudgeon

I wonder how many times I'm going to apologize for being terrible at this before I just get on with it. The point was to get into a habit of writing at the same time every day - the reality is that I've just managed to write for a few minutes a day, which is …

Funny

18 Steps to Enjoy Your Annual Internet-Free Getaway With Your Mother and Sister For Which You Only Have Yourself to Blame 1. PLAN your screen-free getaway in a cannibas-friendly location because the only way you can share a bed with your sister’s dogs for an entire weekend while listening to your mother describe her bowel …

Committed

As in, Committed to Writing This Whether I Want to Or Not   Let's talk about frozen dead guys and dream carousels! In 1989 Bredo Morstoel (Bread-dough More-stul) died of heart failure during a nap at his mountain retreat in Norway. He was director of parks and Recreation in Baerum County, Norway for 30 years …

Something Unfinished

First in the series of Somethingest prompts, as supplied by Rarasaur, which worked out magnificently because....   My new blog. My new blog is unfinished. I have been ruminating about this for months. Nablopoblano seemed the perfect opportunity to finally get rid of That Shameless Hussy and debut my new, more subdued creative space. So …

Is Your Vagina Lazy?

Is your vagina lazy? I know that, as a wife, mother and a semi-contributing member of society, my vagina’s productivity is something I worry about.  As a blogger, this is a question that often plagues me as I plan my day around yelling at my computer and pretending that I am not watching porn.  Especially …